Anger, is it good or bad?

What if all emotions are here to teach us something and what if it’s really important we feel them? What if by embracing our feelings with loving, accepting curiosity we could support our nervous systems, long term health and mood. What if we could do this for our children?

What if a lot the parenting advice and responses we’ve been told to use with our children are another way of controlling them and their emotions to achieve an outcome that works for us or what society tells us good behaviour looks like? What if the only two real tools you need are genuine empathy and curiosity? To truly listen, to connect and to look for the why behind their communication. What if the most respectful and kind response is to let the child feel their feelings and then listen when they’re ready to tell you more? Children don't need verbal communication skills to communicate with us so this applies with our infants and not yet verbal toddlers.

What our children do need is true empathy and connection.

Your facial expressions and body language tell your child everything. Your words when they are very young or dysregulated are less important than your body language, tone of voice and facial expressions. Very young children download information rather than learn through direct instruction. They are reading what your body and face are saying to them, especially if they are in the throws of big emotions. Once they’re calm and have had the comfort they need, that's when it’s time to learn.

You are their parent and you know them best so that learning can look how you want it to.

• It could be a time to thank the emotion for what it has taught us.  

• It could be a time to increase their emotional literacy by putting words and names to their feelings.

• It could be a time of acknowledgement and acceptance.

• It could be a time to laugh and be silly to help move through the feeling and discuss how all feelings are temporary.

This language can look like:

"Hey I can see you are/were feeling really angry. That’s ok, you can feel angry."

(After a lot of soothing and connection for very young children.)

"Why do you think you were feeling angry?" 

"Was no one listening to you, did you feel ignored?"; "Was that task too hard for now, did you need some help?"; "Did they take that from you before you were finished with it?" (Endless potential scenarios)

"Thank you anger! It told you that you don’t like it when someone does that to you." 

Or reflective questions to help them notice how their feelings have transitioned:

"I can see that was really hard, how are you feeling now?"

Or simple eye contact and reassurance that they have you, may be all the guidance they need:

"I can see that was hard, I've got you".

Our goal is never to stop the tantrum or interrupt a child from feeling their feelings. By not stopping our children from feeling their feelings we are teaching them to listen to themselves and are supporting them to learn to trust themselves. Our job instead is to respond with arms and heart wide open. We want our children to feel heard, seen and supported. For very young children (and many older children and adults) co-regulation is required to soothe difficult feelings.

Suppressed emotions only make us sick or develop into feelings of shame in the long run. Children need to be given a safe environment to be authentic, feel and express their emotions and have the underlying reasons for their emotions heard.

Don’t let anyone tell you that by meeting your child where they are, by acknowledging their feelings and by offering support, you are spoiling them or giving them positive reinforcement for this kind of behaviour. You are in fact doing the opposite. By acknowledging and supporting your child, you are equipping them with the emotional literacy and tools they need to navigate these emotions in a healthy way, independently of you one day. You are giving them permission to feel their feelings and not suppress them (they are going to be there regardless of what you do) so what do you want your kids to hear from you in their most vulnerable moments? 

"I see you, I’ve got you, I’ve always got you and I’m here regardless"

Or 

"I’m not comfortable with that feeling and so you shouldn’t be either. Put that feeling away. You cannot come to me when you have those feelings."

Be their guide. Be their safe place. Don’t jeopardise your relationship or connection with them for the sake of compliance or attempting to dampen their emotional response to something.

Be their greatest listener and advocate so they can learn to be their own greatest listener and advocate.

Feelings are not behaviours. The feelings are always ok to feel and are here to teach us something but this does not mean we need to be permissible of harmful behaviours like hurting other people. If your child is hurting or about to hurt someone, it is ok to hold them and say "hey I’ve got you, I see you’re feeling big feelings but I can’t let you hurt someone". 

Don’t feel like you have time for this. The alternative is that the big feelings will keep happening, maybe more often than we'd like and our children will be reading what we are saying to them about their authentic emotional responses.

As a Mama, do you get angry when your child gets angry or feels big feelings? This is ok. You are also allowed to feel your anger! Does your body need you to look further as to why you feel angry? Were you shamed for having big feelings when you were little, do you feel like you don't have capacity right now? What is the message or unmet need behind your anger that your body wants you to know? Need more support? Send us a message, I’d love to hear from.

Follow us on instagram if you are committed to reducing or eliminating childhood trauma and raising a healthy human.  

Arohanui (big love),

From Kelly x

Early Childhood Kaiako (Teacher)

Advocate and International Fundraiser for girls education

Founder of Fiercely Gentle