Why all the learning in the world is not enough

This one is for our women and girls. 

There is so much high quality information readily available to us these days. Parenting advice and strategies that promise to transform your experience of parenthood is no exception. If we choose we can be completely saturated in information that will enhance our parenting and relationship with our children. 

On the one hand, it can be a bit overwhelming and quite the task to sift through the information to find those nuggets that align with our philosophy and values. On the other hand we are incredibly privileged to have access to so much high quality information. If you are someone who does read through a lot of parenting advice, while all this information may improve your parenting most of the time, it may not be enough in that moment when it all becomes too much. We cannot easily overcome our trauma, our stored shame, or our withheld pain through knowledge alone. 

As devoted parents we have become proficient in looking behind our child’s behaviour and our child’s emotions to see the best version of our child and to understand their ‘why’. As parents we must also grant ourselves this same kindness, respect, patience and inquiry. We are doing ourselves and our children no service when we feel guilt and shame in response to the big feelings that well up inside of us. This judgement and shame response often serves to only make the feelings worse. 

We deserve the same loving and non-judgemental approach our children deserve. Instead of applying judgement when our big feelings such as anger and rage come forth with fury we can instead just stop! We can pause for a moment and take that deep breath our body needs to re-engage the parasympathetic nervous system before acknowledging our feelings and applying curiosity. Instead of judging ourselves, we can say, “hi feeling, it’s interesting that you are here, why are you here? what have you come to teach me?” If all of our feelings are messengers to teach us something, then through the act of genuine and deep inquiring curiosity we can begin to understand why this feeling has come to be. Through acknowledgment and curiosity we often have the side benefit of disarming the feeling too.   

As we practice this kindness with ourselves in response to our feelings we are also role modelling emotional regulation to our children. We are not hiding the fact that we are feeling big feelings but we are embracing them, naming them and responding to them with curiosity. In some cases when our feelings are extra big and uncomfortable we may need to also take some deep breaths and do some movement as extra support. Our little ones download information more than they learn through direct instruction. They will be watching and learning. They’ll see you take that breath and apply kind curiosity instead of judging yourself harshly or suppressing your emotions. As you apply this freedom to feel without judgement to yourself, you are also teaching your tiny human that emotions are not to be feared. There are no emotions we need to be ashamed of. As always, the side benefit of being kind to yourself is that your little person will grow and learn with you in an emotionally safe environment, so take care of you Mama. Not just for them, for you! 

We all have those moments in parenting when our child does something that triggers a big response in our bodies. Say your child yells “no” really defiantly. You haven’t had much sleep, you’re carrying the weight of everyone’s schedules and needs, you have an enormous number of decisions to make each day. You’re also holding space for a smaller human with a developing brain so they grow to be the healthiest version of themselves in adulthood, and your needs are unmet. As you look at your child, what do you see? Defiance, a strong will, a tired child, someone needing connection? Your story will define what you see and how you react. If we look at you and what may have led to you feeling these big emotions we may need to reflect on how the adults in your life responded to you when you showed these same behaviours. When you were little were you encouraged to say no, to exert you will, express your feelings, join a genuine partnership with your parent and share your opinion and reasoning? If so then well done to your family (maybe we need to look at your values, beliefs about children and your narrative instead). If not, then maybe you were told you were rude, maybe even naughty and in some cases punished for this apparent defiance when really you were tired or frustrated or simply had a better idea. Do you still carry this shame, this rejection in your body from not being seen, not being given a chance to be heard? Maybe. The great thing is you’re an adult now, you have a fully developed prefrontal cortex and you’re the one in charge of you. You are not a victim but are empowered and can learn and change. To that little girl inside of you, you can apologise. What is it she needs to hear? What do you wish your parent had said to you? You get to be that parent now, you don’t need your parent to heal this wound. To yourself and that little girl inside of you, you can say: 

I see you, I hear you! 

You have an idea, please tell me more? 

You don’t feel like doing that right now? Let’s make a plan. 

That’s ok. We’ve asked too much of you today.

Thank you for saying no and telling me how you feel. 

I hope as you grow into a woman you remember how to say that no. Maybe you will soften the edges of those words and that look in your eyes but let your no be strong my girl and let your feelings known. 

So you as the parent can see that child in front of you exactly as they are and not project your injuries on to them, what is you need to unlearn? So you can look at yourself with the same curiosity and love, what is it you need to unlearn? The chances are you weren’t naughty, those words have no place in your life. The chances are you had legitimate feelings and just needed a chance, a space and maybe the words to express them.  

As we raise the next generation of girls we’re not seeking compliance, people pleasing and perfectionism. We’re not driving our girls into poor mental health outcomes, unhealthy relationships and autoimmune diseases. We’re raising  girls who can authentically be themselves, be both strong and gentle when they need to be

The tricky thing is that in these moments, all the wisdom, pedagogies, knowledge, information, strategies in the world will only help you to a point if you are getting triggered. We leave our higher functioning cognitive brain in these stressful moments which means it’s harder to access that information and make our best, most informed decisions. As our emotional brains take over and we revert back to our survival brain, our bodies can be flooded with cortisol, so what is it you can can do for you in these moments, just like you would for your child? Is taking a deep breath and applying non-judgemental curiosity to your emotions enough? Do you need something more? Do you need co-regulation? A strong hug from someone you love? If you are at the beginning stages of your healing journey, don’t be afraid to ask for the help you need. 

Your brain is unbelievable with one of its great qualities being its neuroplasticity meaning it is capable of great change and therefore so are you. Prevention is always the best therapy and parenting strategy! With our brain having this remarkable quality to rewire itself and change its response to internal and external stimuli, we can employ simple practices to support these adaptations in our brain and nervous system so we can achieve longterm healing. Some examples as you already know are (and you don’t have to do all of them all the time, just pick one for now): 

• Practicing daily gratitude - actually writing it down 

• Doing yoga and meditation 

• Eating well 

• Sleeping more 

• Drinking more water 

• Getting more sunlight 

• Moving your body more 

• Reframing your wounds and those painful moments or memories and beliefs you hold about yourself. Talk to that girl inside of you, give her permission, let her voice be heard, write her or yourself a letter, the words you need to hear. 

• Setting healthy boundaries and then more boundaries!!!! Stand strong and say no when you need to, take that walk and a moment for you. If you need help with this, seek reinforcement from the great Brene Brown here.

Let’s heal you Mama. You are worth the world and not only because you are your child’s world but because you alone are worthy; Worthy of love, worthy of joy and worthy of healthy boundaries. 

Love from Kelly x